Creativity vs Fear
I contemplated what image to use and I thought about a recent scrapbook page, but it talked about Conquering Fear which I’ve already written about, so in the end, I decided to just get creative and make something myself.
Creative. Creativity. Creativeness.
It doesn’t really matter the form, or variation, it’s not a word I ever use to describe me. It’s always surprising to others when that comes up, but nevertheless, it’s true. I love to make cards and to scrapbook (I have a whole room for crafting), but yet, I remain adamant that I am not creative.
The other day, I was on a call with a friend, and business accountability partner, and we were reflecting on 2020 and planning for 2021 (I was pretty proud as I think I only called 2020 a shitshow once or twice). She asked me what word I wanted to pick as a word of the year for 2021 and “creativity” shot out of my mouth. In my mind, there were so many things wrong with that.
Firstly, I have never in my life done the “pick a word for the year” thing. I often see it come up in January, however, I never bought in. I’m a logical sequential person who likes lists and plans. The word creative does not fit into my plans. As I was reflecting later that day, I started researching quotes and looking at Google images (a common pastime when I am searching quotes and ideas). One hit me:
“Creativity is experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, & having fun.”
Now I get why I do not associate myself with creativity. As I dig deeper, I think back to growing up. I hated drawing and I feared art. I probably hated drawing because I am terrible at it. I remember being so excited when I got to junior high, and art became an option I could choose to never take again. Yeah! Even when I was teaching, I would draw terrible stick people (I think I even did a stick cat for some lesson or another). Even the students would laugh (but I owned my lack of talent in this area and it was OK). I associate creativity with art and drawing. Hmmm. First a ha. Although, that a ha moment occurred years ago, thus my disassociation with the word.
As I look at that quote, however, so much more bubbles up. The words: taking risks, breaking rules and making mistakes are not words I use to describe myself growing up at all. I was a total rule follower as a child. As a first born, I felt like it was just part of me. I remember when I was old enough to have kids, my mother looked at my brother, sister and me and said, “All I want for each of you is to have a child just like you.” Score! I was a compliant kid – I definitely won on that wish (spoiler alert – I did have a total mini me which is awesome, but comes with its own challenges). As an adult, I’m much more willing to break rules if I think they’re dumb or do not serve a purpose, but for the most part, I’m still fairly compliant. I’m not a risk taker. I carefully evaluate decisions and set myself up for success. I definitely fear making mistakes and failing. I like to have fun, but I never just let totally loose and dance like no one is watching (especially when I know they are).
I also found another quote:
“The comfort zone is the great enemy to creativity.”
Two for two in the quote department. I spent most of my life in my comfort zone. I like to think I push myself, but only to achieve what I already believe is possible. I don’t think I push myself beyond that. Big, hairy, audacious goal? That scares the crap out of me. I’m a goal achiever so I totally fear setting myself up to fail.
In her book, Dare to Lead, Brené Brown references a quote:
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
It is apparently a line in Star Wars (though, I’ve only ever seen one Star Wars movie and it wasn’t in that one). Brené explains (on page 58 of Dare to Lead in case you want to dig deeper):
“When you find the courage to enter that cave, you’re never going in to secure your own treasure or your own wealth; you face your fears to find the power and wisdom to serve others.”
Now I get why creativity shot out of my mouth as my word for 2021. I credit my friend for pushing me (and I know her well enough to know that “I don’t do that stuff” wasn’t going to fly as an answer, so I opened my mind, as I always do when I talk to her). Creativity in terms of breaking out of my comfort zone is the cave I fear to enter. I had planned on really building and launching my leadership business when I finished grad school, however I’ve delayed that due to COVID. I’ve pivoted and revised some of my offerings, which I plan to develop and launch in 2021, but making it real, and putting it out into the world scares the crap out of me. I view myself as successful now, and it is easier to stay within that comfort, than to pick up my sword and slay the dragon that is my self-doubt. It seems so much easier to do in the vain of serving others. I can get behind that.
So, what does this all mean? It’s all well and good to say “I choose creativity as my word for 2021” and to dig into why, but how will this change how I approach next year? I think the first step was actually to write this blog post, and to dig into it. I woke up early on a Saturday (naturally too, not because of an alarm) and felt compelled to write. So as I often do, I sat quietly cuddled under a warm blanket, in my quiet house, while everyone else is asleep and wrote. I could totally publish this blog post and be done, but I know I need to do more. What exactly does 2021 entail? I’m not totally sure, and as 2020 has humbly taught me, I probably can’t control it either. But I will brainstorm what I can control and make a plan that includes pushing myself too. I’ll set a crazy goal (or maybe two) and hopefully the fear will turn into excitement, and then accomplishment.
I will leave you with this question: What is your word for 2021? And don’t choose the inspirational word necessarily. Choose the one that pushes you and makes you a little nervous. Don’t dismiss the first word that comes to your mind; instead, dig into it. It might just be exactly what you need.
Need some support, or a push to explore what 2021 should bring you? I highly recommend Candice Neveu coaching! She’s become a good friend and definitely challenges me. She is also responsible for my word for 2021!